Date Published 08 January 2021
25 things you wont be doing this lockdown...
No showing off sourdough loafs, no virtual drinks parties and definitely no panic buying..
Here we go again, the end of our first week of yet another national lockdown. Only this time we're seasoned pros, having learnt many a hard lesson since last Spring.
To help you resist any embarrassing flashbacks, we have thoughtfully listed what you definitely SHOULDN'T be doing this time around. . .
1- PILE ON THE LOCKDOWN POUNDS
Confused and anxious, we all ate like Gannets, shovelling down the pasta we 'panic bought', gaining an average of 7 lb (or 14 lb in my case). Comfort food made us feel good — our wardrobe full of clothes that didn't fit, did not.
2 - WEAR PJs FOR ZOOM CALLS
It will be fine, you thought, people can only see the top half, you thought. Wrong. The children helpfully announce while on a live call "Mummy why are you still wearing your pyjamas?" As you try to kick them out of the room out of shot whilst smiling through gritted teeth, everyone now knew you were conducting business meetings in your nightwear.
3 - GET THE URGE TO MAKE BREAD BUT NOT JUST ANY BREAD...SOURDOUGH
Oh my days. I got given a jar of 'Bob' by my cheerful 'yay-lets-bake-at-home' friend who became so passionate about her sourdough ‘starters' that she felt the need, not only name it Bob, but share it with me too! At the end of the day, it's a loaf of bread and you can buy it from a shop without having to fret about keeping a jam jar full of gloop 'alive' on your kitchen windowsill. 'Bob' can do one.
4 - OR GO BANANAS FOR BANANA BREAD
Yes, where do I begin? In a world full of delicious cakes, banana bread is about number 12,000 on the list. A cake should make your mouth water and ooze seduction...but one made of overripe, soggy fruit will never do that. #sorrynotsorry
5 - DO PE WITH JOE WICKS
Bless his heart, he really kept the nation moving during the first lockdown and even got an MBE for it. But he also caused you to put your back out and strain your big toe. So sorry Joe, gorgeous as you are, this time I'm gonna leave it to the children. Besides, all that action makes my pyjamas too sweaty to sit through a work zoom call...
6 - TIKTOK DANCE WITH A YOUR KIDS
When Dame Judi Dench recorded a dance video with her grandson, it was sweet and funny. When everybody else followed, it became cringeworthy. You know that saying 'Dance like no one is watching?', yeah, you do just that.
7 - DRINK AT LUNCHTIME
Sales of alcohol soared during the first lockdown. Before long we were all living our lives like Oliver Reed, with the first cocktail of the day at lunchtime, steadily flowing into the evening. When the bin men empty your recycling and it sounds like a Wetherspoons after a heavy Saturday night, you know it's time to give your liver (and the bin men) a break.
8 - JOIN THE STREETS WHATSAPP GROUP
What started off as a fabulous idea to support one another actually ended up with an endless round of people sending the same ‘funny' videos and GIFs that your mother does. And don't get me started on who's dog did a poo on who's lawn...
9 - MAKE RIDICULOUS ONLINE PURCHASES
Giant paddling pools, full size table tennis sets, hang gliders etc. With only 'essential' shops open, we went bonkers, buying completely daft stuff we would never dream of purchasing in normal times. My vegetable spiraliser remains in the drawer unopened along with my will power to resist alcohol and homemade bread. Nobody is going to see my summer body anyway.
10 - BECOME A CULTURE VULTURE
We did virtual tours of museums and art galleries. You watched online versions of plays and dance productions. But why? You never went when you could go to the real thing and (whisper it) they were a bit boring. Just saying....
11 - OBSESSIVELY CLEAN THE HOUSE
If like me, being at home with the children everyday for months made me hyper aware of how much mess and dirt they create, whipping me into a frenzy of hoovering and cleaning everything with bleach. Which was bonkers because no one could even come round to see our house! Needless to say, I have relaxed somewhat this time round. Besides, it's hard to push a hoover round with a glass of wine in your hand.
12 - GO FOR A WALK EVERY SINGLE DAY
Just because we could. Parks and scenic walks were heaving! When restrictions ended and we were free to go anywhere we pleased...we couldn't be bothered.
13 - PANIC-BUY AT THE SUPERMARKETS
Be honest, you still haven't used all the pasta, loo roll and tins of soup you stockpiled the first time round, have you? Elbowing some old granny out the way to pile your trolley full of stuff you don't need? Behave...
14 - ATTEMPT TO LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE
Determined to use their lockdown time wisely, many chose to study a language. But it didn't last and, let's face it, du pain, du vin, du Boursain is enough to get anyone by.
15 - GET A WEEKLY MEAL BOX SUBSCRIPTION
Who knew there were so many things you could do with a tablespoon full of mince for four people and anybody who tells you that giant quinoa tastes nice, is lying. As soon as you realise their is more protein on a butchers pencil than in the 'meals', we all went back to elbowing granny's out the way for pasta at the supermarket.
16 - CUT YOUR FRINGE YOURSELF
With nail scissors. It can't be that hard, can it? So we all hacked at our fringes with any we could find lying around and ended up with the sort of butchered hairdos our mothers used to give us when we were children.
17 - MAKE FACE MASKS OUT OF SOCKS
When face masks became the must have accessory, all those make do and mend enthusiasts invented ingenious ways of making their own. Cutting up an old sock was particularly popular, but I drew the line at an old pair of pants.
18 - CONTEMPLATE GOING ON HOLIDAY
We thought about it, then felt selfish for even considering it. Contribute to the global spread of the virus? It's just not the done thing. The decider was when we looked down at the miracle that was the top button of our jeans, holding on for dear life and figured it was cheaper (and far less humiliating) to stay at home.
19 - HOST A LOCKDOWN QUIZ
When has any sane person ever known the answer to "What is the Fibonacci sequence?" Never in my life have I ever said to a group of friends, "It's Saturday night, lets do a quiz...." But because it's lockdown, we did...and no, I don't know what the Fibonacci sequence is.
20 - MAKE HOMEMADE KIMICHI
In order to bolster our immune system and be down with kids, not only were we nurturing jam jars full of 'Bob' for our sourdough, if you were die hard, you got freaky with kimchi too. Just the words 'lacto-fermentation of napa cabbage' had me ordering mason jars for next day delivery. Never again.
21 - HAVE A GO AT DIY
With time on our hands and the weather on our side we all became budding Charlie Dimmock's and Handy Andy's. Now you stare every day that poor excuse for a 'made out of old pallets' outdoor seat, which looks delightful next to the new flower with a wonky border. Next time, leave it to the pros.
22 - GO 'WILD' SWIMMING
Pools may be closed but there is nothing to stop you from swimming outdoors in seas, lakes and rivers. Well, nothing apart from hyperthermia and raw sewage floating by. Purrrleeease...so bourgeois!
23 - HOST A VIRTUAL DRINKS PARTY
In your head: a girly get-together with your friends as you drink prosecco and catch up on the gossip. In reality: six women getting louder and louder, all talking over each other and breaking off to roar drunkenly at children and husbands to be bog off and be quiet. Classy.
24 - GO AU NATURELLE AND EMBRACE IT
With no access to a hairdresser, beauty salon or Botox clinic most of us recoiled at the sight of the wrinkly old badger with pork scratching like toe nails staring back at us. But we bravely told friends we quite liked the natural look. We were such liars.#nofilter? In your dreams love.
25 - USE THE PHRASE THE 'NEW NORMAL'
Listen up Boris. Unless it's part of a drinking game where you take a gulp every time somebody says it on TV, it's annoying. And as for support bubbles...the only bubbles I want are in my Prosecco!
So guys and gals, don't be a 'covidiot' (someone ignoring public health advice), join a 'covideo party'(online parties via Zoom or Skype) and we will 'covexit' (the strategy for exiting lockdown) together.
Happy staying in-in!
